THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by (of all people) the Italians.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the
height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that their opponents
were also Frenchmen.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up
being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany's first play at the role of
drunk Frat boy to France's lonely girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women finally find out what it's like to sleep with a winner who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French military bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always
beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rule of Warfare of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Classic Quote: "Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your accordion."